Happy Birthday dear Katie... happy birthday to you....

My Facebook status a few hours ago:

"Can I just ask prayers for my heart? I've been on the verge of tears all day. Right now, it's already January 1st in China and so today is Katie's birthday. I can't "go there" emotionally right now-- the pain of picturing her on her special day without her mama. If you know me, I'm BIG on birthdays, she has no idea what an enthusiastic mama she's getting! But I seriously just want to crawl in bed and wake up on January 2nd-- I won't! We'll do something to celebrate later. Just please pray for my heavy heart."


That sums it up. I felt the tearful floodgates coming and they sure did. Doug hugged me, and watched Cara while I took a shower and cried sobbed wailed and prayed. It happens every six weeks or so and I knew it would happen today. While I was crying, I was thinking how desperately I wanted someone to understand me, to empathize.... (as Doug is just different than me and just doesn't process these things the same way at all). 

I knew that the Lord understood me, but then He brought to my mind ONE other woman who, even more than me, most likely, feels a dread of this day... a lump in her throat when she knows the date's approaching, and perhaps cannot make it through the day without retreating to a room alone to weep. Katie's birthmom. 

(They estimate that she was 2 months old when they found her, and so the Chinese government picked January 1st as her official birthday.) I'm sure it was very close to this date. As for Katie's birthmom, I don't really know how exactly she felt about Katie, and I will probably never know, but each year on her birthday, I have NO doubt she remembers a warm, alive baby girl taking her first breath, and wrapping her up, holding her close, feeding her for the first time, and the huge floods of emotion over her special needs they hadn't expected-- unanticipated realities. Perhaps they didn't even know she was going to be a girl. 

But I guarantee Katie's birthmom hasn't forgotten her, nine months in her womb, labor pains, the miracle of life, and a living piece of herself, a sweet baby girl in her arms. I'm sure she and I would both agree that these past four years were not our dream for our daughter. Four years without a mama. 

To Katie's Birthmom, Thank you. Thank you for choosing life for Xiatong. I promise you I'll always love her.

Cara made a Play-Dough cupcake for Katie and we sang Happy Birthday to her tonight. 

Next January 1st will be AWESOME, epic. There are tears, many, tonight, but soon

 our mourning will turn into dancing, our grieving into rejoicing! 

Happy Birthday, our DEAR Katie, happy birthday to you!

From the food bowl to the cross... and how He can sympathize.

Yesterday I read the Nativity Story to some little children in our town. I explained how "the manger" wasn't a cute wooden bassinet with fresh yellow hay but really more similar to their dog's food bowl, in a sense. The Son of God in a food bowl. The One Who Holds Eternity and "in Whom All Things Hold Together" in a stinky stone or clay bowl. Emmanuel, "God is with Us." He humbled Himself to be able to save us. 

Photo Credit: journeywithjesus.tv

But today I'm pretty bummed... one part of our adoption process that was supposed to take 3 days is taking weeks, and therefore pushing back our estimated travel time by weeks... and I'm thinking of Katie. I truly appreciate all the sweet words from friends but it is true that until you have your child separated from you, not by an umbilical cord, but by an ocean, I'm not sure you could totally understand. But Jesus does. I can be sure He knows heartache and suffering... because of Christmas and Easter... From the cradle to the cross. God sent His Son to leave the Throne Room of Heaven to go to a dirty, stinky animal barn and to experience pain and hardship and disappointments and evil... so that, according to Hebrews: 

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16

Are you hurting right now? Jesus has "been there, done that", and can sympathize. He came down from heaven on High, to " be one of us" so He could represent us, in His death, to pay our debt of sin, and reconcile us to God. The Gospel in a nutshell. 

He's able to sympathize with a mother's aching heart. He's able to sympathize with the orphan crying herself to sleep-- or the situation I fear the very most-- the orphan who does not cry because she learned years ago that no one comes to comfort her anyways. 

He's able to sympathize with those of you hurting because of family disputes and quarrels, or those of you today feeling alone and full of sadness. I had a sweet friend come by yesterday to bring me a Christmas card and a thoughtful handmade gift. I simply looked her in the eyes and asked how she was doing. A river of TEARS came, and her shoulders shook, and pain and grief spilled out... grief over losses, grief over family situations, true grief... at "the MOST wonderful time of the year"-- (as the popular carol ironically promises). I hugged her tightly and thought... WOW! So many people must be hurting this time of year. He is ABLE to "go there" with us... and He WANTS to. When we know Jesus, He INVITES us to "approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Is it your time of need? If you know Jesus, He is the mediator between you and God. Because He is fully God and fully man He is the best mediator. You don't have to be in a sanctuary or in a confession booth with a priest to be forgiven or find mercy and grace. You simply need to come to Jesus. He makes us right with God. 

He has been one of us. The INCARNATION changed EVERYTHING. Jesus Christ=God Incarnate. 

If you've never felt that you have received mercy and grace from God... I invite you to come be with us, celebrate His Incarnation with us, tonight, at our church at the candlelit Christmas Eve service. And find me or Doug there... we'd love to give you a hug! More Info: http://www.newbeginningsbc.org/christmas-eve-service/

Let the Words (Signs) Fall Out...

I'm grateful for LANGUAGE. Just the fact that I can sit here in my living room and not just THINK, but express myself, from a thought to my fingertips on my laptop's keyboard keys, to words showing up on the screen, to your eyes reading this right now. You may not understand my heart, but because of the gift of LANGUAGE, you can become aware of and comprehend what I am thinking and feeling.

Now, rewind. That's right, before you reading this, before me typing it, to just me thinking about how I feel, but imagine with no words attached, just fuzzy concepts that have never been discussed with another human.

Ever.

I'd feel so... separate, severed, different, disengaged from the speaking, communicating world. Imagine seeing lips moving, people seeming to respond to others' lips moving but when you try to move your lips, no one even looks at you and never responds. It's crazy to imagine.

But that's the world my daughter lives in. 

And I absolutely CANNOT WAIT to give her the GIFT of language. Remember, not only is Katie profoundly deaf, but she is not being taught any sign language AT ALL, and if she was to remain in China, would not go to a school to learn some sign until around the age of 8, as far as I understand.

She has NO language.

I mentioned earlier today to a friend that my end goal for Katie is not speech. My end goal for her is not even necessarily sign. (I imagine in the next several years, she'll do both to a degree, depending on many factors). My goal for Katie is COMMUNICATION, however best she finds to express herself and engage the world around her. I have this constantly on my mind.

I've heard this song before, (and realize it was written with a different meaning in mind) but I wept tonight as I heard it, thinking of Katie's "history of silence", literally, and how I can't wait to see "the words (OR SIGNS-- just SOME language) fall out"... and see her world of silence shatter open and her to sign something, ANYTHING to her Mommy and to see the look on her face when I understand her, and respond back with sign.

Oh, the GIFT of language, how we take it for granted! Katie, we're working hard, baby, to get you home and to teach you how to express yourself. You have SO much history, SO much on your mind and in your heart sweet girl. I want to help you get those very valid thoughts and feelings out of the cage of silence and brought into the light through sign language/ speech/ communication. This journey together won't always be easy but I promise I'll be brave, and I'll keep trusting Jesus to help me every hour. You will always, always, always have an audience with me and Daddy! Mommy and Daddy love you, Katie Grace!

Here it is:

(You can go to the YouTube link here if you need to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyAfjUHlFSM)

<3

Video: Katie's Story

Well, 3 hours of work later, here we go :) :

Video: Katie's Story. This works best on laptops or tablets, not phones:
 http://www.kizoa.com/slideshow/d6703135kP144326994o4/katies-dinner-video-119

Joy in Dishes?

Don't you ever wish you found as much JOY in an ordinary household task as a toddler does?!?!?

I mean, just consider how overjoyed Cara is at washing dishes! 

Although I often procrastinate doing dishes, Cara takes DELIGHT

and JOY in the task, she will gladly wash the same plastic cup for 30 minutes if
you'll let her.

But it was THIS little picture someone posted that got me thinking:

LOL! Now, don't get me wrong, I only do laundry like that (by washing it and then not folding it or putting it away), maybe 6% of the time. But occasionally, this happens in the Becker home. Samantha from Bewitched or June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver would be shocked:

June Cleaver might make this face if she heard my laundry or dishes confessions:

"Why, Jamie, no! Say it isn't so! You don't fold and iron ALL the clothes immediately?"

It's true, June! I really dislike when that happens, it's usually on a week with too many ministry meetings and work deadlines, but I never lose sleep over it.

Regardless, I saw this and came to a realization, although I'm guilty of this form of laundry disorganization 6% of the time now, with one child, and so come this Spring, I can GUARANTEE, the frequency of such horrid housekeeping habits will probably... (gasp),

DOUBLE!

(Deal with it, June!) When I thought of the extra laundry that will be coming, I smiled. I can't wait to fold 18 Month sized ruffle pants again (Katie will be 4 years old when we get her but is only 24 lbs. and currently in an 18 month size. Our Cara is not yet 3 but is 37 lbs. and is wearing a 3T or 4T)!

I WANT to be reminded in thankless household chores, that when I'm doing piles of dishes (which my awesome hubby usually does for us!), I'm SO GRATEFUL that I have dishes to clean, that means I have mouths that have been fed, mouths who belong to the people I adore.

And when I fold shirt after shirt and load after load (even though we are only at about 6 loads a week now), 

I can be SO GRATEFUL that I have a husband who is here, (and not serving in the military, like so many other wonderful, sacrificial people), but who is actually here and able to work here and care for us and tuck Cara in every night. 

And I'M THANKFUL while folding those jammies that I have a little girl, our dream come true, asleep in the next room. MAN, if my 26 and 27 year old self (who was suffering through infertility and dreaming of a baby) could have seen our darling Cara for just ONE SECOND, just a glimpse, I would have folded a hundred laundry loads. 

So the thought of the extra dishes, extra laundry, extra stress, extra bills, extra exhaustion, and extra chaos that inevitably our extra family member is going to add to my shoulders in the Spring, it spells ONE thing out for me...

EXTRA J-O-Y!

..extra giggles, extra snuggles, extra mischief, extra memories, extra LOVE to give and to receive from our other 

dream come true.

extraordinary blessings.

can't wait.

(I know I'm human and prone to procrastination and even laziness; complaining and grumbling instead of choosing JOY and choosing a GRATEFUL heart. That's why I posted this on the blog, so I could remind my own grumpy, grumbling self of it! :) )

Ephesians 2:14-15
"Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure... then you will shine among them like stars in the sky."

To Make You Feel My Love...

I think I found "OUR" song. Me and Katie's.

One of my dear friends, who is also adopting a deaf child from China, was at a fingerprinting appointment when this song came on in the waiting room.  Yup, we sure are going to the end of the earth for our children.

For BOTH my girls, Katie and Cara, I DO want to hold you for a million years... and I PRAY they will feel our love! So perfect for adoption, especially the lyrics in bold:, remember this one by Bob Dylan (Garth Brooks covered it and Adele).
---
When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evenin' shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met 
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
Oh, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are ragin' on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowin' wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
-------
I listened to it and ugly cried for half an hour... once I get started... it AIN'T PRETTY, folks. Doug kept staring across the living room at me, not knowing what to say, he finally figured he had better hold me, even being the hot mess that I was. :) I kept just PICTURING Katie walking in the living room and me wrapping my arms around her, I would want to hold her for a million years.
Cara is almost 3 (hard to even admit that number), and she is letting me hold and cuddle her less and less and it breaks my mommy heart. She felt cuddly this day at a Jazz Festival in August:

I can't wait to find room in my arms for both of them!!! 

Here's the song, Adele's version:

http://youtu.be/ZzmTFBPMhk8

I think I'd better start learning it in ASL: 

American Sign Language is so beautiful... This girl's rendition of the song is so poetic (so much better than my very literal ASL translation attempt... and according to my limited understanding of ASL, she is signing it for her mom for her mom's birthday, and is thanking her for always supporting her, and saving her. LOVE it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObAom0UP76g

Plans for medical fund and Princess pictures!

WOAH! $17,634 raised in less than a month!?!?
Okay, I know, you probably think I'm crazy or kidding. But SINCE yesterday's Facebook post, we received 2 more generous donors AND a generous grant from a church we used to serve at years ago.
LITERALLY, we have received $4,227 since YESTERDAY. My head is spinning.

What does that mean??? We've been graciously given through 49 donor families and 3 grants, $17,634, in less than a month. We seriously only need to raise another $5366 to finish our adoption fees/ travel fees.

A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION...
What is going to happen IF you raise over that amount??? Well, we checked with Lifesong for Orphans, our fundraising 501 c3 company. We know we will be able to obtain receipts for at least $9,000- 10,000 of the amount we originally fronted ourselves to the homestudy and placement agencies , all from my job last year with Joey. Since we can show proof of payment of those fees, Lifesong will allow us to receive tax-deductible donations up to that full amount. ALL of those funds will be put in an account for Katie's medical expenses.

So, our goal, after the $5366 is met, will be to save up another $10,000, through the same Lifesong account, towards her medical hearing expenses: tests, therapies, and treatments.

We discovered a couple weeks ago that NONE of the Blue Cross/ Blue Shield private policies include hearing coverage. ?!??! There is a discount program but most likely her hearing expenses over her childhood will cost between 40,000 to 200,000 for us. (lol, don't remind Doug!, it's a scary thought!) We are exploring different private insurance options. This is part of adopting a special needs child. We don't know if she's a candidate for BAHA (bone anchored hearing aids) or cochlear implants of some kind, but we know we will want her tested and attempt to give her the most communication ability and most independent future possible. We still have the Katie's Fundraising Vendor Night/ Silent Auction Dinner coming up November 9th, 7-9 at our church. We hope to raise a few thousand that way!

By the WAY, HERE's our Princess! My sister helped us order a care package for our sweetie, including a "Forever Family" celebration cake and princess crown. We got the pictures today!!! :)

How we LOVE you Katie Grace!!!

Her foster brother from the same orphanage: Qiu Xin (Choo- Shen), an orphanage worker, my daughter, and her older foster sister, age 14. The baby is a friend or neighbor.