Happy Birthday dear Katie... happy birthday to you....

My Facebook status a few hours ago:

"Can I just ask prayers for my heart? I've been on the verge of tears all day. Right now, it's already January 1st in China and so today is Katie's birthday. I can't "go there" emotionally right now-- the pain of picturing her on her special day without her mama. If you know me, I'm BIG on birthdays, she has no idea what an enthusiastic mama she's getting! But I seriously just want to crawl in bed and wake up on January 2nd-- I won't! We'll do something to celebrate later. Just please pray for my heavy heart."


That sums it up. I felt the tearful floodgates coming and they sure did. Doug hugged me, and watched Cara while I took a shower and cried sobbed wailed and prayed. It happens every six weeks or so and I knew it would happen today. While I was crying, I was thinking how desperately I wanted someone to understand me, to empathize.... (as Doug is just different than me and just doesn't process these things the same way at all). 

I knew that the Lord understood me, but then He brought to my mind ONE other woman who, even more than me, most likely, feels a dread of this day... a lump in her throat when she knows the date's approaching, and perhaps cannot make it through the day without retreating to a room alone to weep. Katie's birthmom. 

(They estimate that she was 2 months old when they found her, and so the Chinese government picked January 1st as her official birthday.) I'm sure it was very close to this date. As for Katie's birthmom, I don't really know how exactly she felt about Katie, and I will probably never know, but each year on her birthday, I have NO doubt she remembers a warm, alive baby girl taking her first breath, and wrapping her up, holding her close, feeding her for the first time, and the huge floods of emotion over her special needs they hadn't expected-- unanticipated realities. Perhaps they didn't even know she was going to be a girl. 

But I guarantee Katie's birthmom hasn't forgotten her, nine months in her womb, labor pains, the miracle of life, and a living piece of herself, a sweet baby girl in her arms. I'm sure she and I would both agree that these past four years were not our dream for our daughter. Four years without a mama. 

To Katie's Birthmom, Thank you. Thank you for choosing life for Xiatong. I promise you I'll always love her.

Cara made a Play-Dough cupcake for Katie and we sang Happy Birthday to her tonight. 

Next January 1st will be AWESOME, epic. There are tears, many, tonight, but soon

 our mourning will turn into dancing, our grieving into rejoicing! 

Happy Birthday, our DEAR Katie, happy birthday to you!