Today I succeeded in getting halfway through the task of sorting through Cara's "new" 4T and 5T summer clothes from her cousin, and packing away her 4T winter clothes for Katie, and also sorting through Cara's old 2T clothes from two summers ago and figuring out what will fit Katie and what is already too small for her. (We are waiting on her updated measurements, but believe she's about 25 pounds, and in 24 months or 2T as a 4 year old.)
Today I knew I'd feel happy reminiscence at each item of Cara's clothing. As I sorted through the boxes I remembered each adorable outfit, and the memories that went with them. Like this one, a 24 months one (Cara wore it at 18 months old):
Cara wore this one on a special play date with her friend Mia, also to a outdoor celebration at Harvard for my sister's law school graduation, and on a picnic with Mommy.
Spring 2012
I took it out of the 24 months box along with a couple other items that seemed to run big and taped up the rest of "probably too small for Katie" items in that box to go back in the attic. Then out of nowhere, I felt a horrible realization... something I barely ever consider. By the time Doug came to bring that box back up into the attic, I was in tears. Kate's 4 years old. I missed her at this age:
Spring 2012
and at this one:
Spring 2013
During those times, the first, in an orphanage crib the majority of the day, and the second, in a foster home... I wasn't there to hold her or kiss her or hear her giggle. Those FOUR YEARS are gone. I can't explain really how it makes me feel. I didn't expect this aspect and I am pretty sure this particularly feeling will be magnified when I'm rocking her to sleep, etc. There is definitely grief over it in my heart, no doubt.
I also have JOY though... I fully realize that there is no point dwelling on the negative. I choose to focus on the positive, I have two beautiful, precious daughters to fill these NEW dresses and to make memories with! Spring 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013 we may have all spent apart. There is nothing I can do about that. BUT Spring 2014 and the next several decades are going to be AWESOME and filled with memories.
I'm SO thankful for the gift of two children to love! They were both worth the wait!
I know, I know, I haven't blogged in nearly 3 months... every blogpost is usually written when I'm super emotional, so I wanted this one to be different, when I'm not weepy, lol,... I first wanted to add this journal entry I had written a couple weeks ago (March 11). We found out we had not only received our Letter of Acceptance from China (Feb 24), but also our I-800 Approval (final U.S. approval on March 10). My head was almost spinning all day March 10th with to-do lists, anxiety, etc.
I wrote in my journal:
"Yesterday I was so overcome with planning and stress, I couldn't quiet my heart to celebrate. We have FINAL APPROVAL from TWO NATIONS to bring Katie into our family forever.
This journey, it will have been 13 months from start to finish (21 months from when we first decided to adopt)...
this whole journey...
the emotions,
the pain at times,
the anxiety,
the
L O N G wait,
EVERYTHING,
... will happily be at it's end, ready for a new beginning-- a lifetime of loving her-- the minute she's placed in my arms.
FRIENDS... please please please take note:
I ALMOST missed the blessing.
I ALMOST missed the chance to know this little girl. This one right here (peering at her birthday cake) :
You see, I really almost let the BLARING fears of the unknown cripple me.
You have no idea how many times at the beginning of this process I had fears rise up from my own heart, and often heard objections from friends:
"But HOW will you be able to raise a special needs child-- that can ruin a marriage!"
"But WHAT will other people think about a child who looks different than you?"
"But WON'T you ruin Cara's life by giving her a sibling like that, she'll resent you!"
"But HOW will you get the money for the adoption fees. You're a pastoral family!"
HAD I NOT trusted the Lord could and would help us in this journey, Katie would still be Xiatong, she'd still be an orphan, a ward of the People's Republic of China.
The WONDER of the simultaneous tragedy and miracle of adoption is not lost on me, I assure you!
-----
A friend in the adoption community, Missy, actually said something very similar to my journal entry last week, as she held her two precious, newly adopted children, she said, "I do want to remind you all that there is a God who is making all things new, and that He is waiting for you. I would have missed EVERYTHING if I had missed Jesus. " Today, this makes me wonder what other miracles and deep wells of blessing and joy I have actually missed through the years. I want my life to be poured out for the Lord. It's not easy, with being a pastoral family, Doug and I have especially been exhausted by our vocational, and continual ministry to others. We have found that we have to retreat, we have to say "no" to people's constant demands and requests sometimes, and we have to remind each other how much the Lord loves us.
As you know, songs often minister to my heart. Friday night a sweet friend, Jimmy, gifted Doug and I with tickets to the Casting Crowns concert. It had been a rather stressful week for both of us. I had heard this song numerous times but never carefully pondered the lyrics. They blew me away. Whatever you are struggling with, turn to Jesus. Life and our futures are often a total mystery to us, but to Him who knows everything, our life is already a MEMORY. Crazy to ponder, huh? Whenever we are scared of the future, we can trust the One who made heaven and earth and in whom all things hold together (Colossians 1:16-17).
Here's the lyrics:
From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see Where this is going And where You're leading me I wish I knew how All my fears and all my questions Are gonna play out In a world I can't control
When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there
From where You're standing Lord, You see a grand design That You imagined When You breathed me into life And all the chaos Comes together in Your hands Like a masterpiece Of Your picture perfect plan When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there
One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived I can't wait to enjoy the view And see how all the pieces fit [x2]
One day I'll stand before You And look back on the life I've lived Cause You're already there You're already there When I'm lost in the mystery To You my future is a memory Cause You're already there You're already there Standing at the end of my life Waiting on the other side And You're already there You're already there
You are already there
We are a moment, He is eternal. If I had let INSURMOUNTABLE fears outweigh my faith, Katie Grace Xiatong Becker would not be 5-6 weeks from being in her mommy's arms forever. Her future would be bleak. Our choices DO matter. I can't wait to look back not only at my life one day, but Katie's. A beautiful life full of memories that wouldn't exist without the Lord pushing Doug and I forward, strengthening us by His grace and provision, and seeing us through this journey. The blessing God may be gently pushing you towards may not be adoption, it may be befriending a lonely person in your community (I have a HUGE story on that topic), or starting to volunteer your time in a youth mentoring program, or even reconciling with an old friend. All I can say is, when He is the one leading and equipping you, it might be hard but it will be worth it, and you will be blessed. Big picture: one day it will all make sense.
